Ask Roper: Why Won’t They Commit?

Ever heard the saying “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” Well, this may be the reason your lover won’t commit to you.

After weeks of pondering on this topic, the “answer” hit me like a ton of bricks. I was literally sitting with “Bae”, drinking a glass of wine and all of a sudden I thought. “If I was getting any and everything I needed from someone without a commitment, why in the world would I commit? As a woman I completely understand the whole wanting security, the need to feel like someone likes/loves you just as much as you do them, but on the flip side whoever said NOT having a commitment was something bad?

I’ve been in a few non-committed relationships or better known as “situationships” and as long as both of us understood exactly what was going on whether it was just sex, spending time or having someone to talk to on the regular we weren’t looking for that particular aspect of traditional relationships.

Meaning, you do you and I can do me without feeling obligated to explain myself. But we all know even in situationships someone will ALWAYS “catch feelings”. And to have a successful situationship both parties must agree to the perimeters of the situation. The number one rule: EVERYTHING MUST BE EXPLAINED AND PUT ON THE TABLE IN THE BEGINNING.

But what if you aren’t looking for just a situationship and are actually wanting to be monogamous with your significant other and they don’t want the same?

Well, maybe it’s time to find love elsewhere. Generally speaking, if someone wants you in their life they will make the effort of keeping you. We’re all human and will make mistakes, cliche, yes, but the fact of the matter is…people will only do what you “allow” them to do. People will treat you how they want as long as you allow them to treat you as such. If a commitment is what you want, you have the right to get it. Ask. Make demands. And if that person isn’t willing to give to you what you’ve asked then they aren’t the person for you.

Relationships are about mutual respect. Mutual being the keyword there. Meaning, if the feelings, respect, and anything else that may be important to you in relationships isn’t being reciprocated by your partner then it’s time to move on.

What I’ve learned about commitment or the lack thereof is that you cannot force anyone into something they don’t want to do. Just as much as you have the right to make demands about what you want in a partner or relationship they also have the right to say “no, I’m not willing to do that.” That’s the scary part. I believe that people are more afraid of the thought of “wasting their time” then they are of actually losing his or her partner.

People don’t commit for a number of reasons so it’s hard to really pinpoint why someone won’t commit. It all boils down to this in my opinion: truly evaluate what it is that you want from a relationship and why having a defined commitment is important to you and go from there.

Jasmine Roper15 Posts

Jasmine E. Roper is a graduate of Grambling State University. A member of Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc. and The Society of Distinguished Black Women, Inc. She loves pizza, Ted Talks, and randomly snapchatting (is that a word?) Follow her on Instagram @OhMinaaa

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